Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
