ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
They took my balls.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
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