i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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