I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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