Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
