I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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