I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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