Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
