I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
