Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
