When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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