Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
