I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
