Taylor Swift is so right about you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
