It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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