I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She's just so happy...and so naked.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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