Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Randomize
