I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
