I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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