She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just pee around me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
