you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
