I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
