Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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