I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
