i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize