i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
So squirting runs in the family.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
