I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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