every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
