Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
