So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
