I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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