The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Randomize
