I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
