Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
