had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i came on her dog
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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