$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
