yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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