I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
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