It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
