Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
