the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
