I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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