He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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