I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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