I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
