Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
