So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
