I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
sex in a hospital.. check
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
