so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
We need to get me chipped asap
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