can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
