Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
Randomize
