what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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