there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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