i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize