Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
