I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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