well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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