my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
