I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
